I might as well just get it out at the beginning...
this past week has found me yelling on the phone (screaming, even)
at
not one,
not two,
but, THREE different people.
Now, the confrontations were all justified.
All three people have inflicted pain so deep into my life
that there is a gaping hole where my heart should be.
But, each confrontation wasn't done in love or with a Christ-like spirit.
It had more the feel of a Jerry Springer show.
And, unfortunately, so do the circumstances surrounding it.
And, as I was spewing forth my venom...
it felt like an out-of-body experience.
Who is this crazy woman?
All I wanted to do was STOP the verbal assaults
streaming from my mouth.
And, the more I wanted to stop...
the MORE ugly, vicious things came out.
(Again, all deserving, but NOT in the right spirit.)
When I got done & I hit the END button on my phone
(which might I add is NOT as fulfilling as slamming down
a handset on a land line...anyone remember those days?)
I crumpled to the floor...
mortified...
disgusted...
humiliated...
for my ugly, ugly, ugly
(and, yes, vulgar)
words.
And, Paul's words HIT me like a TON of BRICKS...
Romans 7 (MSG)
17-20 But I need something more!
For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin
within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I
realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really
do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions,
such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep
within me and gets the better of me every time.
21-23 It
happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do
good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but
it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of
me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
24 I’ve
tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there
no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?
25 The
answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set
things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God
with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do
something totally different.
WOW...
isn't it so nice to know that one isn't alone?
That's Paul.... the Paul, people....he struggled to...
Paul totally got it.
Jesus totally gets it.
We're human.
We fail.
We yell.
We scream.
And, yes...we may even say a few (or more) bad words.
Like the REAL bad ones. (sigh)
But, there is hope.
JESUS.
Jesus, who sets things right in this life of contradictions.
He sees my desire to serve Him.
To love Him.
To tell others of His love.
He knows that I am "staggering under my guilt-baggage" like Isaiah talks about.
But, he has promised me in Colossians 1...
"God rescued us from dead-end alleys & dark dungeons.
He's set us up in the kingdom of the Son he loves so much,
the Son who got us out of the pit we were in,
got rid of the sins we were doomed to keep repeating."
Psalm 51:17 says, "The sacrifice God wants is a broken spirit. God, you will not
reject a heart that is broken & sorry for sin."
So, I'm looking up from this heap that I'm in...
broken, devastated, embarrassed, humiliated, & hurt...
and, I lay it at His feet...
a sacrifice.
"Brokenness doesn't disqualify us. Brokenness placed in God's hands to redeem
& re-form can actually qualify us for life & love & even leadership."
Elisa Morgan
Ann Voskamp reminded me today that, "Though I fail me, God's love for me can never fail. Though I can't ultimately change me--God can ultimately change 'everything' about me, 'from the inside out'. God offers me a NEW life---whenever I make every moment of my life an offering to Him."
Romans 12:1-2
"To be broken is the beginning of revival."
1-2 So
here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday,
ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around
life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for
you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted
to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead,
fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out.
Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.
Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of
immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed
maturity in you.
I was pretty immature this week...
like a two year old
with the mouth of a seasoned sailor.
However, it doesn't negate ALL the things I have been learning
as I spend time in His Word each day.
I don't start back at ZERO each time I fail.
Can I get an AMEN?
"To be broken is the beginning of revival."
Roy Hession
Friends, I am broken.
Right now, it feels like it's beyond repair.
I can't wait to see the
REVIVAL.
(all the pictures are from Google images lest someone want to call me & scream like a sailor)
