When Life Sucks OR an Opportunity for GREAT J.O.Y.

In these moments, I struggle against silence.

To shut down

To go off grid

To hide

Because life isn't what I expected.

Cuz this "mom" thing isn't what I expected.

This "wife" thing isn't what I expected.

I...am NOT what I expected.

It overwhelms.

This sense of despair.

I feel talent-less.

use-less.

hope-less.

And, I wonder...

When is it ever easy?

When does it go as planned?

When do I catch a break?

And, I sit.

And, I feel the tear slip down my face.

And, another.

And, a gut-wrenching cry well from deep within.

And, I hope the person in the car next to me doesn't look over.

I cry ugly tears.

I gulp for air.

And, I lash out...

There is no epiphany.

No light bulb goes off.

There is only silence.

And, I sink deeper.

I keep my sunglasses on as I run my errands.

Bank....check.

Grocery store....check.

Gas station....check.

Gym....check. (I take off my glasses for this)

I crawl back into the car. 

I focus on breathing.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

I drive home in silence.

 I am angry. 
Angry at Him for not letting me catch a break in this thing called LIFE.
Bitter that He doesn't reward this effort I've made to find J.O.Y.
Fighting a sense of entitlement that I deserve an easy go of it for a while.

And, then it slips in,
a verse that I memorized long ago...
 
James 1:2-4 (NLT)

² Dear brothers and sisters,when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. ³ For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. ⁴ So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

Seriously, God???

Pain & heartache...trouble....

an opportunity for GREAT J.O.Y.

When will I EVER learn this lesson?

So, my friends, there may be a reason you're not catching that break...

A reason that it N.E.V.E.R. lets up...

because He is giving you an opportunity for GREAT 

J.O.Y.

So, I slip on my cap...

Fully acknowledging that is stands for 

SUPER JESUS

not

SUPER JILLAIN.

And, I stop & whisper a prayer of thanksgiving for another opportunity for 

GREAT J.O.Y.