It is likely...that if you know me,
you know my story.
And, if you don't...
it would look a little like a
Jerry Springer show on CRACK.
(if you really want to know more...you can go back to some old posts & read about it)
you know my story.
And, if you don't...
it would look a little like a
Jerry Springer show on CRACK.
(if you really want to know more...you can go back to some old posts & read about it)
All this to say, that I find myself single at 45.
Yes, gasp, 45.
And, there are a LOT of good-hearted, well-meaning people
out there dispensing advice...
telling me the PERFECT one is out there "waiting right around the next corner"
OR
"Count your blessings....YOU'RE SINGLE!"
(uh, thanks...let me know how that works out for you, lady, when your garage door breaks, you have a slow leak in your tire, your basement takes water and you are weed-eating your GINORMOUS lawn all while working a demanding full time job, starting a business, running a household & raising three kids...that while grown still need a mama.)
Anyway, I digress...and I just impressed myself with my capabilities.
But, this...this article...might be the BEST advice I have ever heard
for any single gal out there...
and, even if you're NOT single...
but, have single friends or daughters....
READ THIS!
PASS IT ALONG!
And, tell them a single gal said it was okay.
(thanks to my friend, Mel, for passing it along to me)
An Open Letter to the Female Hat-Wearing Dog
in "Go Dog, Go"!
Okay, I was going to redirect you to the site now, but the link appears to be broken...
LUCKY FOR YOU, I copy & pasted that sucker & pass it around like bon bons
to all my SINGLE LADIES.
So, this post is gonna feel really long, but stick with me!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
by Raquel D'Apice
June 15, 2016
Dear female hat-wearing
dog,
I bought your book to
help my son learn prepositions and adjectives and was, from the first read,
inexorably drawn in by your heart-wrenching struggle for approval.
Momentarily distracted by the humdrum parade of big dogs, little dogs, black
and white dogs, I watched as you walked in, brimming with joy and confidence,
and looked on as some total nobody, indistinguishable from most of the other
dogs in this book, crushed you with his subtle rejection.
And you don’t even know
me, but I wanted to take a minute to tell you that what matters is that you like your
own hat, hat-wearing female dog. Who is
this guy anyway, some sort of dog hat expert?? Who cares what he
thinks??? Wear a hat you love and if he doesn’t like
it? F*#% him.
I want you to take
this in, hat-wearing female dog, lest you spend the next 15 years of your life
trying to impress someone who is not worth your time. Ignore the
hat-based norms of the dog universe and wear what makes YOU happy.
Celebrate yourself! You are awesome and unique, like that dancing
eleven-year-old in the blonde wig from Sia’s Chandelier video,
only a dog version!
So you try again.
And not only does he
shut you down once again (“Do you like my hat?” “I do not like it.”) he
literally steals the feather out of your hat as he rides off on his scooter.
OMG, WHAT IS HIS ISSUE, RIGHT? SCREW HIM AND HIS DUMB SCOOTER AND
HIS HALFHEARTED FOUR-DAY-LATER FOLLOW UP TEXT MESSAGES. (Not
into UR hat, babe. U look cute tho.)
If you’re seeking
approval because you’re itching to be in a relationship right now, know that
there are other fish in the sea and, more importantly, bazillions of
other dogs in this book. Without even looking I found some big dogs
and some little dogs going around in cars. I found a red dog on a blue
tree. I found a green dog on a yellow tree. I found two dogs in a
house on a boat in the water and three dogs at a party on a boat at
night. All of whom seem single, ready to mingle, and possibly capable of
empathy. The female-to-male dog ratio in this book is totally in your
favor so why are you selling yourself short???
Forget this dude who
isn’t into your hats! It shouldn’t be hard—he is so completely and
totally forgettable because P.D. Eastman draws all dogs more or less
identically. And yet like so many cartoon female dogs, you only have
eyes for some generic nobody who can’t see how freaking fantastic you
are. You confront this guy a third time, desperately searching
for the hat validation that since childhood you’ve been told you need.
IT IS NOT ABOUT THE
HAT—ARE YOU LISTENING??? It doesn’t matter if he likes your hat or not. I
want you to feel the burning radiation of your self-worth as
you say, “THIS IS ME. THIS IS WHO I AM. IF YOU’RE NOT INTO ME
BECAUSE I’M WEARING AN UNCOMFORTABLY LONG SKI HAT, MAYBE THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT
RELATIONSHIP FOR EITHER OF US.”
But you’re not ready to
do that. And like so many relationships, it comes to a head at a
party. A dog party. A big dog party.
Unlike that other ‘party’ that consisted of three dogs, a
checkerboard, a banjo and a lollipop, this one is actually like a legit party.
Big dogs, little dogs,
red dogs, blue dogs, are all at a dog party. What a dog party!
And you show up looking totally cute and you approach him again (In
fairness, I admire your tenacity) and ask one final time if he likes your
latest hat. A hat topped with a flower pot and a pennant flag–one that
has no fewer than two spiders and a goldfish dangling off it. A hat that
features a bouquet of lollipops and three candy canes in close proximity to a
mop that clearly you only put on because you lost a bet.
This hat is Vera Wang’s living nightmare.
So you ask if he likes
your hat and he’s like “Yes! I like it! I like that party hat!” and
you guys drive off together into the sunset. And it seems like an idyllic
future, except that there is literally no way you can wear this hat every day
without sustaining major neck damage. So you guys settle down, date for a
few months, maybe move in together, but eventually you get to the point where
you’re like “I sort of don’t want to wear this hat every day just to keep this
relationship going.” And honestly, at this point he’s not even into the
hat anymore because the novelty is wearing off. The sex isn’t as good.
You lie awake in bed next to each other staring at your phones as you
frantically wonder if you should buy a new hat to spice things up. Have you
gone right back to being invisible? Who are you to him now? Just a
series of crazy Mardi Gras-style hats?
Assess your
value, female hat-wearing dog. Take a minute to really look at
yourself in the mirror and say:
“I am a moderately
well-drawn ketchup-colored poodle and my storyline is the closest thing this
book has to a plot. I am the only thing pulling the narrative along.
I’m well-groomed, enjoy skiing, and have enough disposable income to
amass a comfortable hat wardrobe.”
And then feel free to ask
your reflection if it likes your hat. And if your reflection is like,
“Girrrrrrl, you look amazing regardless of whether or not you’re even wearing a
hat,” maybe ditch this mustard-colored moron who immediately ends a date
when he’s not digging the girl’s hat because you’re terrific
and life is short and sh*t like that’s not worth your time.
Good-bye!
Good-bye!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's the deal, friends...
I have spent most my life worried if the dog liked my hat.
And, here is what I know now...
I like my hat.
Period.
Love me. Love my hat.
The best advice from Raquel D'Apice
is this....
"FORGET THE DUDE WHO ISN'T INTO YOUR HATS!"
Don't have eyes for some generic nobody who can't see how freaking fantastic you are!
So, get yourself to the DOG PARTY & be okay going ALONE!
And, be even better about GOING HOME ALONE!
Ya, hearing me, female hat-wearing dogs?
Don't spend years asking the DOG if he likes your hat, stop changing your hat...
unless you WANT to change your hat because YOU need a change...
not because some d-bag doesn't like yours & steals your freaking feather!
Don't let anyone STEAL YOUR FEATHER!
Here are some other gems to help you ZHUSH up your SINGLEHOOD...
I keep them in my little affirmation box in my purse
(we'll get to that on another day)
DON'T FREAKING SETTLE!
Love when you're ready, NOT when you're lonely.
You deserve the LOVE you keep trying to give everyone else.
(mmmhmmm, read that one again.)
The person you're meant to be with will NEVER have to be
chased, begged or given an ultimatum.
You should never look for someone to complete you.
A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals,
look for someone complimentary NOT supplementary.
Love yourself MORE than you love your drama.
(wow...yeah, I'm talkin' to you fellow Jerry Springer specials)
Our decisions must be watertight because excuses will seep through
any little cracks in our resolve and before we know it, we'll be on our asses.
DECISIONS ARE NOT UP FOR NEGOTIATION!
And, just so we are clear....
Can I get an AMEN from the choir?
And, the last one...
Your life is YOUR party.
YOU get to CHOOSE how you INVITE
people & experiences & things into it.
So, take a minute & "assess your value, female hat-wearing dog"...
because you are amazing...
Good-by!
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