Through the Wildnerness of Loneliness:: Depression & Isolation

Last week, I shared about my life-long battle with depression.  So many of you reached out to me.  You touched my heart with your kind words. Thank you.

 The thing I heard over & over again was...

"I didn't know."

"I'm so sorry I didn't see..."

No. No you couldn't have seen.  

Because, those of us who know the darkness.  We push you away.  We avoid you.  We don't answer your phone calls.  We stop socializing.  

We close the door.  

Literally & Figuratively.

It looks like we're heartless.  Like we don't value you & your friendship.

When in truth, it just takes too much effort.  Effort that we have to conserve to fight this stupid sickness.  

And, we reason that why in the world would you want to be around us when we don't even want to be around ourselves?

So, know this...

I am a terrible friend.

Terrible.

 
 And, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry if I've pushed you away.  Kept you at arms length.  

Let you in.  Then pushed you out.  

For me, the worst part of the darkness is the isolation that leads to the loneliness.  The loneliness that is soul-invading & life-sucking.  

In his book "Through the Wilderness of Loneliness", author Tim Hansel shares from his personal journal these words, "I have experienced a loneliness so deep that I feel as though I need a second heart to contain all the pain.  A deep sense of dislocation overwhelms my very being.  I feel disconnected from all that I treasure--God, my family, my friends, even myself.  Perhaps this is at the heart of loneliness, a great feeling of disconnection.  A floundering feeling of helpless aloneless.  Loneliness can be so paralyzing.  Its vague, pervasive power invades every cell and fills it with cement."

Our human nature tells us to escape from the pain we are experiencing, but what if we... Lean into it.  Embrace it.  Feel it to its fullest.  Not try to avoid it with distraction.  But, transform it to solitude.  

I Peter 5:6&7 (Phillips) says, "So, humble yourselves under God's strong hand, and in His own good time He will lift you up.  You can throw the whole weight of your anxieties upon Him, for you are His PERSONAL CONCERN."

This scripture says that He will lift us up in His own good time.  

So, what are we to do with that time until He does? 

And, that, my friends, is really the journey I am on.

Brennan Manning (a kindred spirit & quite possibly my favorite author) shares in "The Ragamuffin Gospel" that, "Jesus comes NOT for the super-spiritual but for the wobbly and the weak-kneed who know they DON'T have it all together, and who are NOT to proud to accept the handout of amazin' grace.  As we glance up, we are astonished to find the eyes of Jesus open with wonder, deep with understanding, and gentle with compassion."

I hope you'll walk beside me on this journey until the time He sees fit to lift me up.   

  As Brennan says, "To live by grace means to acknowledge my WHOLE life story, the light side and the dark.  In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means."

Thank you for allowing me to share my shadow side.