The Things We Never Talk About...

Last week, I shared a bit of my heart.  It seemed to strike a chord. I find that transparency usually does.  The simple act of courage by another professing their shortcomings, their struggles, their sins....can lend strength to another who thinks that they are alone.

A quick glimpse of a family sitting in a pew on Sunday morning, a snapshot of a perfect home on Instagram, a status update of one professing undying love to their "best friend and soul mate"...can lead us to believe that everyone's lives are perfect but our own.


My sole intent when I started this blog was to share recipes & ideas.  There is a reason I take imperfect shaky iPhone photos rather than pull out my Nikon....why I don't stage my photos...and, why my dogs photobomb my shots.

  And, the reason is this...my life isn't perfect.  

So, I'm compelled to share with you "The Things We Never Talk About"...so, that maybe...we start to talk about them.  Maybe we can start to encourage one another.  Maybe we can know we are not alone.


And, since this is my blog...I'll go first.

I felt the darkness first set in in the third grade. There are those of you who instantly knew what darkness.  And, there are those of you who went..."Huh?"  If you are in the latter category, count your blessings. 

It crept up slowly.  And, my 8 year old mind couldn't quite grasp what was happening.  

Life wasn't all unicorns & rainbows.  

Again, in my 6th grade year....and, my 7th/8th grade year....my junior/senior year...

  And, almost daily since I've become an "adult".  

  Depression.  Self Doubt.  Crippling insecurity.

Not many have seen me as I pull the covers over my head & wish I would never wake up.  Or, as I reach for a bottle of Xanax before I step into a crowded room.  

They see me smiling, laughing, engaging in conversation...

What they don't see is the battle taking place in my mind...
Should I have said that?  
Why did I say that? 

I. Just. Want. To. Go. Home.

So, now, friends...you know my struggle.  You have seen into my soul.

Let me assure you that I have tried it all...
therapy
exercise
medication
meditation
isolation
integration
prayer


I. Still. Struggle.

There are period of times better than others.  There are things that do seem to help.

Giving of My Time
Scripture Memory
Prayer
Solitude

But, each day...it sits...lurking.  And, I know...that it could surround & overwhelm me...at any moment.

I don't share this for pity & sympathy.  I share this to tell you....IT'S OKAY.  It's okay to struggle.  And, if you know the darkness of which I speak.  I am here to tell you that those stupid TV commercials drive me crazy too. That the pep talks of well-meaning friends telling me to "snap out of it!" or to "choose joy!" harm rather than heal.  That books on happiness wanna make me pull my hair out. 

I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry you fight the battle as well.  And, I'm sorry I stayed quiet for so long.  I'm telling you that I know the darkness.  I know the fear.  And, I know what it's like to think of ending it all.  

And, I'm also here to tell you...

There is beauty in the darkness.  

I believe that King David knew.  Psalm 18:8 says, "...darkness is my closest friend."

I know that just a few verses later he proclaims, "My God turns darkness into light!" (Psalm 18:28)

I know that Job in his suffering states, "Life will be brighter than noon day & darkness will become like the morning light."  (Job 11:17)

And, a few chapters later..."in the face of darkness, light is near." (Job 17:2)

Psalm 107:14  "He brought them out of darkness...the utter darkness & broke away their chains."

What if by simply sharing....we break the chains?   What if the darkness flees by exposing it to light?  What if we stopped being ashamed of our struggles & gained strength in the community of Christ?

What if we gave voice to the things we never talk about....